LOCAL TOILETS CLOSED FOR 'WELLNESS REFURBISHMENT' – COUNCIL SAYS THIS IS PROGRESS!

In a move that has left locals scratching their heads and, frankly, gagging a bit, Palmerston North City Council has announced the closure of public toilets on Roslyn’s high street for what they’re calling 'wellness refurbishment'. The only thing wellness-related most residents can agree on is that it takes a bloody long time to take a dump when you’ve got to trek it all the way to the local Countdown!

Margaret from down the road was spotted banging her head against a nearby road cone in frustration: 'Wellness? More like a bloody nuisance! The only thing we need is a loo when nature calls, not some fancy nonsense about kumara chips and meditation breaks,' she huffed, not even bothering to mask her irritation with a coffee from that new barista joint on the corner.

Meanwhile, feedback forms for the refurbishment have reportedly been provided — one presumes to make locals feel a bit involved while council consultants kick back on the rates we all pay, discussing the deep philosophical implications of reclad toilet stalls. 'It's just a way for them to stuff their faces with more consultant muppet biscuits!' a bystander ranted, vehemently waving their hands around for emphasis.

As residents watch grey skies blow on by and wonder when the nearest usable toilet is, the council stands firm on its commitment to… whatever it is they’re doing. Here’s hoping ‘wellness’ comes with a side of actual facilities, or they'll really be spatting the dummy soon enough!