SUMNER UNDER-11s COACH INSISTS KNEE-DEEP MUD IS 'CHARACTER BUILDING' AS THIRD KID LOSES A BOOT

A Sumner junior football coach has refused to call off Saturday's under-11s fixture despite the Scarborough Park pitch resembling, in one parent's words, "a fucking trifle". Coach Grant Whelan told assembled families the conditions were "character building" and that "the All Blacks didn't get where they are by going home for a warm Milo".

By half-time, three children had lost boots to the mud, one keeper had been retrieved from a puddle by his hood, and the ball had stopped rolling entirely. The score was nil-all, mostly because nobody could locate the ball.

Parent Cherie Vailala, watching from under a Kathmandu poncho with a flat white from Coffee Culture, was unimpressed. "Character building my arse, Grant. My boy's got asthma and one sock. He's eight. What character is he building — Bear bloody Grylls?"

Another dad, who'd driven in from Redcliffs and asked to be called "Macca", went further. "Grant's a tosser. He played one season of rep at fifteen and he's been carrying on like Fergie ever since. Cancel the game, you munter, the kid's crying." Macca was then asked to step back from the technical area by a linesman who was himself ankle-deep.

Coach Whelan, contacted at full-time, doubled down. "Soft generation. In my day we played on shingle. One of mine scored a header today — well, the ball hit him in the face, but it went in. That's resilience." Asked about the missing boots, Whelan said the parents could "come back Tuesday with a shovel".

The pitch has since been classified by Christchurch City Council as "a puddle, technically", and next week's fixture is scheduled to go ahead. Two of the boots remain unaccounted for.