Tradie Tales

LINWOOD RETAINING WALL BELIEVED TO BE HELD TOGETHER BY NO. 8 WIRE AND WISHFUL THINKING

There's more than just earth behind that wall in Linwood.

By Sharon Ngatai, Riccarton Correspondent · Linwood · 3 weeks ago

Fuck me dead! A Linwood retaining wall has been revealed as nothing more than a mismatched collection of optimism and No. 8 wire, leaving tradies scratching their heads and dodging road cones. It’s a bloody marvel that it hasn’t collapsed during one of Christchurch’s infamous nor'west gales, though it’s more likely to give way when Dave the Tradie trips over his swag of tools for a smoko break!

Local barista, Tania, said she spotted the wall while on her morning caffeine run, commenting, "If that wall holds up longer than my last relationship, I’ll eat my flat white!" With these winds, it’s only a matter of time before it decides to take a permanent holiday. This whole situation is a classic example of Christchurch ingenuity—or total muppetry, depending on who you ask.

The retaining wall has become a hot topic among local tradies, with chants of "it’ll be done Tuesday" echoing in their utes. You know it's bloody rooted when you’ve got scope creep on a wall that shouldn’t go unnoticed—especially in an earthquake-prone city still learning what ‘safe’ really means. The only thing holding it together is the hope that no one parks their car too close!

As the road cones surround the site like a sad circle of solidarity, locals are just hoping the wall doesn’t become the next Christchurch tourist attraction. Join us next week as we explore whether a coat of paint can fix everything from broken tongues to crumbling concrete.

Reader Letters

Trevor McLeod

Aye, I reckon that wall’s got about as much chance of standing up as my cousin’s fishing story! It’s just another day in Linwood if you ask me. And if it doesn’t tumble down in the breeze, I’ll personally deliver a flat white to that barista.

Sharon Ngatai

Honestly, can we not just build something that stays up? I mean, No. 8 wire has its place, but maybe we should leave the wishful thinking to our local sports teams. A wall shouldn’t need a prayer circle to stay up!

Wayne Patterson

You know, I find it hard to believe that something basically made of sticky tape and good vibes hasn’t collapsed yet. If that is Christchurch ingenuity, I can’t wait to see the next town project! Can we just make sure no one parks their car near it, pretty please?

Linda Chen

It’s all fun and games until that thing goes rogue in the wind! I mean, if our walls are held together by a bit of hope, imagine the state of our roads. I’d rather not be dodging walls as well as cones!

Janice Walsh

Didn’t we just go through an earthquake scare? And now we’re topping it off with this? If we’re relying on No. 8 wire, I might as well start carrying my own set of tools! At least I’d have a shot at making sure something is safe.