Council Chaos

CHRISTCHURCH’S NEW CYCLE LANE DISAPPEARS INTO THICKET, COUNCIL DEEMS IT 'PHASE ONE'

*The latest installment of urban planning: shrubbery or shambles?*

By Margaret Henderson, Senior Correspondent · Linwood · 2 weeks ago

In a baffling display of incompetence, the Christchurch City Council has unveiled what they consider the first phase of a new cycle lane—only to find it ends abruptly in a thicket of overgrown shrubbery. This isn't just a design flaw; it's a bloody miracle that no cyclist has yet veered into the brambles, likely wondering if they've entered some sort of Offroad Adventure Park for Muppets.

Locals have expressed mixed feelings—mostly irritation—about the cycle lane that seems to be more a deterrent than a destination. 'You’d think they’d at least open up a proper lane before putting out the orange cones,' one disgruntled ratepayer commented, 'but no, they give us this. I’m not keen on risking my neck for a quick detour through the bushes.'

And in true Christchurch style, this is being sold to us as 'phase one.' It’s like they’ve forgotten that we’ve been in a rebuilding phase since Big Gerald was still alive. Back then, if anything ended in a shrub, it was probably a bloody garden party, not a poorly planned bike lane.

With the local council so busy pissing about with consultants, it's no wonder we've got cycle paths that plunge into obscurity. At this rate, Gerald would’ve spat the dummy and hired his own digger to sort out this mess. What’s next? A bike lane that sinks into the Avon? You’ve really got to hand it to them—at least they’re consistent in their ability to serve up a stink one.

Reader Letters

Wayne Patterson

Honestly, a cycle lane that ends in a bush is unfortunately on brand for the council. At least they give cyclists a chance to practice their off-roading skills, right? We should just be grateful there's even a lane!

Linda Chen

I'm all for biking, but who thought a thicket was a good ending? Instead of a beautiful compromise between nature and infrastructure, we got... well, nothing! How about a clear path next time?

Janice Walsh

I mean, we could say this new cycle lane is just an avant-garde art installation, right? Really makes you ponder the futility of life as you ponder if you’ll make it through those bushes alive!

Sharon Ngatai

I chuckled at this until I realised how serious it is. My kids ride their bikes down that way. A proper lane would actually be nice. Fingers crossed for 'phase two,' whatever that might mean!

Trevor McLeod

So, let me get this straight—our rates are paying for a bike lane that drops off into the wilderness? The only phase I see is the phase where common sense went missing. But hey, at least it's an adventure!