GLADSTONE UNDER-11 SIDELINE NEARLY GOES FERAL OVER MANDARIN SUBSTITUTION AT HALF-TIME

At approximately 1015 hours Saturday, an under-11 rugby fixture at Gladstone Park nearly went pear-shaped. The customary half-time oranges had been substituted, without warning, for budget mandarins from the Pak'nSave on Tay Street.

The substitution was identified by parent Raelene Cousins, 41. She stood up from her camp chair, looked at the bin, and said — and I quote — "What in the actual fuck is this, Brendan." Brendan, the club treasurer, was already walking briskly toward his Hilux.

Multiple sideline dads took immediate issue with the fruit. "Mandarins are for fucken preschool," said one father, who declined to be named on the grounds his missus reads The Yarn. "My boy's playing contact. He needs an orange. He needs the segments. He needs the rind to chuck at the ref."

The referee, a 19-year-old with a nose ring, confirmed he had been struck by one (1) mandarin in the 23rd minute. He described the projectile as "smaller than expected but emotionally heavier." He has declined further comment pending a chat with his mum.

A Gladstone Rugby Club spokesperson said the mandarins were a "cost-saving measure" reflecting a rise in fruit overheads. Asked whether the saving was worth the near-riot, the spokesperson said the club was "reviewing all citrus procurement." My mate at the station tells me that's code for Brendan getting a hiding at the AGM.

No arrests were made. The mandarins remain, as of filing, uneaten in a chilly bin behind the goalposts. One has reportedly been kicked into the long grass by a forward who said he was "making a point."