MOSGIEL TOUCH MODULE BANS SARCASTIC SHOUTS, LOCALS CALL IT A JOKE!

In a move that's had locals scratching their heads and rolling their eyes, the newly introduced touch module in Mosgiel now features sin bins dedicated to punishing sarcasm. Yes, that's right—apparently yelling 'nice effort, Gary' when he trips over his own feet is no longer acceptable behaviour on the field. Constable Dave Pearce, currently on a coffee run at the local BP, has voiced his thoughts, stating, 'It's a bloody joke, mate. Thought my mate at the station was taking the piss!'

Touch rugby, traditionally a gentle sport full of blokes huffing and puffing along, is now sparking debates that rival the great Dunedin scarf wars. Parents are up in arms, with one mum shouting, 'What’s next? Banning cheering? You can’t put a lid on the passion!' Meanwhile, Tim, a local who's convinced he's the next Ben Smith, muttered, 'I mean, if sarcasm gets you sin-binned, pretty sure half my mates would just stay home—no one can handle this level of intensity!'

Adding fuel to the fire, the new measure has only exacerbated tensions between parents and refs, with die-hard supporters now scrutinising every call like it’s the Rugby World Cup finals. ‘I tell ya, these touch refs are a bunch of scaredy-cats!’ boomed one dad whose voice echoed across the chilly pitch. Meanwhile, the Mosgiel Council's justification that 'sarcasm dampens team spirit’ has come under fire, with locals suggesting that shoving sarcastic players into a bin might just be a fresh interpretation of the word 'mate'.

As the meetings with the council heat up, residents are worried that Mosgiel will become the only place in New Zealand where you can’t insult your mates without fearing a stint in the penalty box. The only question remains: if there's no sarcasm, what’s left to yell at Gary when he misses the try line for the third time?