STOKE SIDELINE DADS TURN LOCALS INTO UNWITTING STARS OF 'TRIBUNAL' VIDEOS

It's official: Stoke has reached peak feral with fathers now filming every moment of junior cricket for some imagined tribunal they'll never have to front. With the sun shining on the Tasman Bay, instead of just cheering for their wee ones, these dads are playing a creepy real-life version of 'Catch Me If You Can'. One particularly passionate parent has taken to filming every ball bowled with the dedication of Steven Spielberg — as if the ICC is watching from their luxurious yacht in the bay.

Rumour has it, these daytime Shakespeares are not just getting a belly full of free content; they’re gathering evidence for cases of atrocious umpiring, which is rich coming from someone who couldn’t catch a cold. “I’m just looking out for the kids! Well, also for my future Netflix deal,” one dad shared whilst panning across the field like a muppet.

Further complicating things, coach and former-A grade player Gary McKenzie believes he’s raising future Black Caps but demonstrates about as much tact as a concrete duck in a swamp. “These kids are going to be legends!” McKenzie bellowed while his own son scored a solid duck. The hypocrisy has people in the crowd carrying on like pork chops, mumbling about how someone should give Gary a bit of a hand in reality.

Margaret Henderson, noted for her blunt remarks and in-depth reports on local disasters, reminds us: “Gerald always said a good spectator makes for a great sport. But it seems nowadays, spectators are more interested in their 15 minutes of fame than actually watching the game.” Fine advice, if only someone would kindly remind the rowdy supporters to put down the phone and cheers amidst the carnage of kids just trying to have a good time.