Sports Sideline

TOUCH RUGBY IN TAKAPUNA RUINED BY VAPE CLOUD

Even the gods of sport can be choked by a noxious mist.

By Barry Hoskins, Eastern Suburbs Bureau Chief · Takapuna · 1 week ago

This week's touch rugby match in Takapuna was brought to a grinding halt, not by a wayward pass or a blundering referee, but by an almighty cloud of vapour wafting across the field. Barry, one of the self-proclaimed 'best props on the Shore', was quick to blame his next-door neighbour's dodgy vape habit. "You can't bloody play with that stink in the air, mate!" he ranted, while simultaneously trying to karate-chop clouds of strawberry watermelon out of his lungs.

Referee Dave tried to carry on like a pro, but let's be honest, he was about as useful as a chocolate teapot in that situation. "I ain't calling a penalty for someone’s second-hand habit!" he shouted, clearly more interested in avoiding a kerfuffle than actually enforcing the rules. Not that it would have made a difference; with parents on the sideline carrying on like pork chops, it was only a matter of time before someone spat the dummy.

Meanwhile, the netball mums who usually patrol the sidelines were apparently too busy scoping out the best coffee spots on Queen Street. It’s hard to be a feral spectator when you’ve got a flat white in hand, after all. "This is what Auckland’s come to – dodgy vapour instead of proper tackles!" huffed Karen, a self-appointed coach and part-time life guru.

As the humidity clung to everyone like an unwanted muck-spreader, players and spectators alike made their way back to the local pie shop, pondering whether a sausage roll could soothe their wounded pride better than a whiff of vape juice could. Ah, Takapuna – where touch rugby is a religion, but vapours have become the real plague.

Rest assured, Barry and the boys will be back next week, determined to play through the fumes – if only the local vape enthusiast doesn’t decide to have another puff-fest during their next match.

Reader Letters

Linda Chen

Honestly, this is getting out of hand. It's not just touch rugby that's suffering, it's affecting all the other sports too. Maybe we need a no-vaping zone or something, like the good old smoke-free areas back in the day!

Janice Walsh

Linda, I totally agree! It's ridiculous that we have to put up with this. It's high time the council steps in and sets some rules. Isn't it bad enough we have to dodge scooters on the footpath without adding vape clouds to the mix?

Barry

Linda's living in some dreamland if she thinks a 'no-vaping zone' is going to do a bloody thing — who's going to enforce it, the same council that's been asleep on the job for decades? And Janice, good luck getting those muppets to care about your footing issues when they can't even manage a footy game without mucking it up! Back in my day, we played through fog, rain, even bloody goat invasions, and we didn't complain. But sure, let's add vape clouds to the list of things we’ll whinge about. These netball mums wouldn't survive a true Kiwi winter on the field, I tell ya.