NEWOWN RESIDENTS DEMAND LEAF BLOWER BAN BEFORE 10AM ON SUNDAYS

In what can only be described as a total overreaction, the residents of Newtown have declared war against the unholy noise of leaf blowers before 10am on Sundays. Local widow Margaret Sinclair, a self-appointed spokesperson, stated, "It's a bloody disgrace, I tell you! How are we meant to enjoy a cuppa without those wretched machines ruining our peace?"

The petition, signed by nearly half of Newtown’s population, seems to have divided opinions along distinctly Wellington lines. While some noble souls argue that a quiet Sunday morning is a god-given right — a moment to sip tea in calmness — others, like Dave the Tradie, couldn't care less. “A leaf blower at 9am on a Sunday? Who gives a toss? There are plenty of good reasons for an early start on the weekend!” he declared while adjusting his tool belt outside the local Bunnings.

The cries against noise pollution are uniting those who've mastered the art of passive-aggressive notes, with some residents already slipping carefully worded complaints under the doors of their neighbours, complete with hand-drawn illustrations of leaf blowers being cast into the abyss. Predominately featuring two stick figures and a broken lawnmower, these notes are slowly becoming the new local art form.

Only time will tell if the Newtown City Council will sponsor a ban, although locals agree that a public consultation is needed — ideally after 10am on a Sunday, of course. As for this writer, I’ll remain firmly on the porch with a cup of tea, keeping an ear out for any sign of battle, and remembering my late husband Gerald who would have loved this kerfuffle. He would’ve spat the dummy over leaf blowers ruining our tranquillity too.