LINWOOD RETAINING WALL HELD UP BY NO. 8 WIRE, A FENCE POST, AND "SHEER FUCKING WILLPOWER"

A retaining wall on a Linwood back section is currently being held together by three loops of No. 8 wire, half a fence post, and what the property owner described to The Daily Yarn as "sheer fucking willpower".

The wall, which separates the property from a neighbour's yard sitting roughly a metre higher, has developed what one passing builder called "a personality". It bows outward in the middle, leans left at the southern end, and has a section near the bottom that appears to be breathing. My late husband Gerald would have called it a hazard. He would have been right.

Owner Shane Brouwer, 54, said the wall had been "like that since we bought the place in '98" and he wasn't about to start fixing it now. "Bloke at Mitre 10 reckons it's a twelve grand job minimum. I've got a roll of wire and a mate called Tubs. We'll sort it Tuesday."

Tubs, contacted at the Linwood Cossie Club, confirmed he was "onto it" and that the wall was "honestly not as rooted as it looks". Pressed on whether he held any qualifications, Tubs said he'd built a deck once and it was "still mostly there". He is, by his own admission, a good cunt with a cordless drill and not much else.

A Christchurch City Council spokesperson said retaining walls over 1.5 metres required consent and engineering sign-off, and that the council would be "happy to inspect" if a complaint were lodged. The neighbour, whose trampoline sits roughly two metres from the top of the wall, said she'd rather not make a fuss.

The nor'wester is forecast to pick up Thursday. The wire is rusted. The trampoline has children on it most afternoons.