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TAKAPUNA RENO STRIPS BACK FOUR LAYERS OF WALLPAPER, FINDS 1987 STARING BACK

The hallway is now legally a crime scene against interior design.

A Takapuna villa renovation has stalled after the back bedroom yielded a sheet of wallpaper so peach the lead builder said "fuck me" and went outside for a smoke.

The house, a weatherboard off Hurstmere Road bought in March for an undisclosed but "obscene" sum, had been stripped to the framing in most rooms. The back bedroom was hiding pastel triangles under three later layers of paint, the top one described by the builder as "a kind of nicotine".

"Been on the tools twenty-two years," said site foreman Hemi Walters, eating a mince and cheese on the verge. "Done villas in Devonport. Done shitboxes in Glenfield. Never seen anything like it. Looks like a Smokefree ad threw up on a Rubik's cube."

Homeowner Priscilla Donnelly, 41, said she'd been promised the job would be "done Tuesday" three Tuesdays ago. "He reckons it's heritage. I reckon it's a fucking health hazard. My toddler walked in and asked if we lived inside a Where's Wally now."

A heritage consultant contacted by The Daily Yarn confirmed the wallpaper was "almost certainly 1987" based on the palette. She added the pattern wasn't protected, but "morally, someone should answer for it".

The wallpaper is being removed one triangle at a time, because the steamer "won't touch it, eh". Hemi reckons it'll be done Tuesday.

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Reader Letters

Trev_Hornby

Mate, if I saw that wallpaper I'd be straight to the pub too. Hemi's got the right idea.

MumOf3_NorthShore

Oh, come on! Peach wallpaper is making a comeback! I saw it on Pinterest. Maybe just keep it for nostalgia.

Just_A_Country_Boy

Back in my day, we didn't strip wallpaper if it was still holding up the wall.

Worried_Sofitel

Hemi’s onto something - AND THE COUNCIL’S TRYING TO HIDE IT. Who knew what we were subjected to in '87?! We should demand answers!

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