GLADSTONE UMBRELLA LASTS SEVEN SECONDS, OWNER BLAMES CLIMATE CHANGE AND ALSO HIS WIFE
The umbrella was new. It is now a sculpture.
A Gladstone man's brand-new umbrella inverted itself within seven seconds of leaving the house on Tuesday morning, prompting the owner to blame, in order: climate change, the Warehouse, and his wife Pauline.
Owner Doug Petersen, 58, said he'd bought the umbrella the previous afternoon specifically because Pauline had told him to. "She said I'd catch my death walking to the car. I said the car's eight metres away. She bought the umbrella anyway. Bloody thing turned itself inside out before I'd even cleared the letterbox."
A neighbour across the road, Lorraine Sutherland, said she'd watched the whole thing from her kitchen window. "It went up, it went sideways, it went the wrong way round, and then Doug just stood there holding the stick. Like a man with a dead jellyfish."
A MetService spokesperson confirmed Tuesday's wind was "within seasonal norms for Southland" and that umbrellas were "generally not recommended south of Gore". Asked whether climate change was a factor, they said the wind had been doing this since before climate change was invented.
Pauline, contacted for comment, said Doug should've worn the Swanndri like a normal person. The umbrella has been placed in the green bin, where it no longer fits.
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Reader Letters
Garry (Halswell)
Back in my day, if your brolly didn't survive the first gust, you simply got wet and dealt with it. Blaming the wife for it wouldn't have flown, Doug.
Margaret_F
Doug always liked blaming Pauline for everything gone awry. Remember the time he flooded the garage and said it was her fault for buying the wrong rubber boots?
couchgremlin
Lol. Umbrellas in Southland are really just fancy sticks, aren't they?
Sandra McKenzie
Actually, it's called inversely proportionate wind dynamics. Doug should've checked the wind pressure before using the umbrella.
BarryBishopdale
Doug should've worn a good ol' Swanndri instead. It'll keep you drier than any umbrella in Southland winds.