HUMIDITY IN SUMNER DECLARED A PUBLIC SAFETY CONCERN

This just in from the humid heart of Sumner: the local humidity levels have risen to such alarming heights that officials are calling for caution, particularly for those with curly locks. Yes, folks, it’s the kind of humidity that can turn a perfectly tidy 'do into a bushy wild beast faster than you can say 'bugger'.

The Christchurch City Council has been spotted erecting 'Hazard: Hair Ahead' signs along the foreshore, just to keep unsuspecting passersby safe from rogue hairstyles. Locals are advised to carry hair products like pomade and anti-frizz serum for emergencies, lest they end up looking like something out of a 1974 horror flick.

‘It's all part of living in the Garden City,’ said Marge, a resident who bravely confronted the elements with an umbrella, a raincoat, and unspeakable amounts of hairspray. ‘Never know if it’s going to rain or fry your hair. Just last week, I turned into a complete muppet after walking to the corner store!’

With broken pavements still awaiting repair from the last big shake and road cones populating every corner, the last thing Sumner needs is hair-related congestion. So, if you see a frizzy-haired person trying to navigate the main road, do them a solid and steer clear – or at the very least, offer them a bonnet. As they say, better safe than sorry, especially when it comes to hairstyles.