PONSONBY IN MELTDOWN AS HUMIDITY REACHES 78% — RESIDENTS DEMAND ANSWERS

Ponsonby has been brought to its knees this week by a humidity event the locals are describing as "unbearable", "oppressive", and "frankly, why do we even live here". The reading at the Three Lamps weather station peaked at 78% on Wednesday afternoon, which is, for the record, a Tuesday in Whangārei.

Linda Ferncroft, 58, who runs a homewares shop on Ponsonby Road, said the humidity had "ruined" her display of unscented soy candles. "They've gone soft. The whole window's gone soft. I had to put the dehumidifier on and it filled up in two hours. Two hours, Margaret."

A man outside the Bunker, who declined to give his name on account of being on a Teams call, said he'd had to change shirts twice before lunch. "This isn't Auckland weather. This is Brisbane. I didn't sign up for Brisbane." My late husband Gerald would have called him a wee shit and told him to put a singlet on, but that generation is gone.

Auckland Council, asked whether anything could be done, confirmed humidity was "not within council remit" and suggested residents "open a window". A spokesperson added that the harbour was, in fact, right there.

Meanwhile at the Ponsonby Central, a queue formed at a Vietnamese place I won't try to pronounce, where diners were reportedly seeking "something cooling". The humidity, at time of filing, remains at 76% and is forecast to drop to a perfectly normal 64% by Friday, which nobody will mention.