TRAMPOLINE BANDIT STRIKES IN NEWMARKET

The winds of Newmarket have once again proven themselves a force to be reckoned with, launching a local trampoline straight over the road and into the pristine lawns of a neighbouring suburb. Formerly a humble abode, the trampoline now resides in a blatant show of 'we're better than you' in Epsom, where the house prices are as lofty as their egos.

Residents were left aghast as their bright blue bouncing contraption took off like a rogue jet ski in the Auckland Harbour. One local bloke, who wished to remain anonymous, grumbled, "Just a bloody trampoline, but bloody typical of Newmarket’s weather to steal it and dump it in a suburb that thinks too much of itself!" That said, he did admit to having an inflatable pool chair flying over to his mate's place in Remuera last summer – turns out wind knows no boundaries.

The lack of a sufficient windbreak on local properties has sparked conversations about putting in place higher fences, with more than a few residents suggesting that the trampoline's new owners should consider donating it back – mainly as a joke, but you know how Kiwis are about their gear.

In the midst of all this kerfuffle, it seems one thing is for sure: the moral superiority of Epsom might just be the only thing keeping that tramp safe from unwanted bouncing. Meanwhile, the rest of us are left frantically trying to catch our patio furniture before it joins the local flora faff at the nearest high-end garden centre. What’s next? Chasing our bloody cars down Queen Street? Watch this space.