Ogre Mystifies Crofton Downs, Refuses to Move to Petone Swamps
Multiple sources confirm a large green figure has been loitering near the bush line. Officials remain tight-lipped.
Tip from Princess Fiona
A large green ogre, believed by witnesses to be the entity known publicly as 'Shrek', has been seen at least three times this week in the bush reserve above Crofton Downs, sources have told The Daily Yarn.
The sightings, first reported on Monday morning by a woman walking a labradoodle named Pickle, have since been corroborated by two separate dog-walkers and one public servant on his lunch break. A photograph obtained by this publication shows the figure in a textured vest, expression sceptical, complexion unambiguously green.
"He looked at me like I was the one out of place," one source said.
One source, who spoke to The Daily Yarn on condition of anonymity because she works at the Ministry, described the encounter as "unsettling but polite". A second source, who asked to be identified only as "a regular at Tommy Millions", said the ogre had "good posture for someone allegedly displaced from a swamp".
What we know: The ogre is green. The ogre is large. The ogre is not, as of Wednesday, in any known swamp. Crofton Downs has no swamp. The nearest swamp-adjacent wetland is in Petone, which the ogre has reportedly declined to relocate to.
What we don't know: Why he's here. Whether he has a visa. Whether the vest is his. Whether Wellington City Council has been consulted regarding forest residency permits for non-humans, an item that briefly appeared on a 2019 agenda before being deferred indefinitely.
A spokesperson for the council, reached late Wednesday, said they were "aware of community interest" but could not confirm whether the ogre fell under the Reserves Act, the Building Act, or "frankly, any act we currently administer". A MetService duty forecaster, asked whether the southerly might blow the ogre back to his swamp, said the wind was "typical for May".
The ogre was last seen heading in the general direction of Khandallah, possibly for a flat white. Stuff has approached Shrek for comment.
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Reader Letters
couchgremlin
Lol.
Timmy_Te_Aro
Bloody ogres taking up all the tracks now? What's next, dragons camping in Waitangi Park?
BlitzJace
Mate, isn't it obvious he just wants a decent cuppa? Swamps aren't known for their cafes.
Garry (Halswell)
Back when I was a kid, you didn’t see any ogres loitering about. We had other concerns, like trying to catch frogs in the backyard. Different world now, I suppose.
NatureNed
Ogres don't live in swamps, that's just a stereotype. They actually prefer dense forests with plenty of privacy! Crofton Downs sounds just right.
LoyalKiwi
@NatureNed maybe he’s just here for O-Week. Crofton Downs party ogre-style.
Sandra McKenzie
Doesn't anyone else find it strange the council doesn't know how to classify ogres? They've known for years about Shrek, surely they'd have a plan for this. Just another example of unprepared bureaucracy.
cupcake_chrissy
Shrek tea party in Khandallah! Bring your own flat whites!