REDWOOD PLAYGROUND SHUT FOR 'ASPIRATIONAL MAINTENANCE' — NOBODY AT COUNCIL WILL SAY WHAT THAT IS

A Redwood playground has been fenced off for what Christchurch City Council is calling 'aspirational maintenance', a phrase that appears nowhere in the English language and yet somehow appears on a laminated A4 sign zip-tied to the gate.

The playground, which had a working slide, a working swing, and one of those spinny things that made my Gerald sick in 1998, was shut on Monday with no indication of when it might reopen. The sign advises parents to 'explore alternative play opportunities in the wider network', which is council for drive to Belfast.

Local mum Anahera Wightman, whose two-year-old had been mid-swing when the contractors arrived, was not impressed. 'They turned up with cones, a clipboard and a bloke in a hi-vis vest eating a mince and cheese. Then they put the netting up and left. The swing was fine. The swing is still fine. You can see it through the netting.'

A council spokesperson said aspirational maintenance was 'a proactive framework' for 'reimagining play assets against future community aspirations'. Pressed on what was actually broken, they conceded nothing was broken as such, but that the equipment was 'not aligned with the trajectory of the reserve'. What that means, they wouldn't say.

My son's new girlfriend, who lives two streets over and has opinions about oat milk, called it 'a really cool example of place-based thinking'. She would. The consultants on the job are, I'm told, being paid by the hour.

As of Wednesday the netting was still up, the slide was still fine, and a small child had already worked out how to get under the fence. Council has not commented on the child.