ROYAL COMMISSION FINDS UNDER-10 'PLAYER OF THE DAY' WAS NOT ACTUALLY AT THE GAME
Forty-seven findings handed down. The chocolate fish has been impounded.
The Royal Commission of Inquiry into the Awarding of Player of the Day at Mairehau Junior Rugby Club on Saturday has released its interim report. It finds, on the balance of probabilities, that the recipient was not present at the fixture. He was at his nana's in Rangiora, eating a Moro bar.
The Commission's terms of reference required findings on three matters: who awarded the chocolate fish, on what basis, and whether the recipient's mother had "got in someone's ear" before the final whistle. The Commission finds she had. Repeatedly.
Witnesses called included the coach, Bryce Tupaea, the assistant coach, also Bryce Tupaea, and the referee, a 15-year-old named only as Caleb. Linda from the sausage sizzle gave the most damning evidence. "I saw Tania march up to Bryce at half-time. I knew. That fish was spoken for." The Commission accepted Linda's evidence in full.
The coach, under oath, conceded the boy had "contributed in spirit". He added that Tania had brought the oranges three weeks running and "you've got to keep the oranges coming, mate". Wayne Hohepa told the Commission this was "the third fucking time this season". His own son Tyrell scored two tries and got "sweet fuck all".
Recommendation 14 suggests future Player of the Day awards be contingent on the player attending the game. Recommendation 22 proposes Tania be barred from the orange roster. Recommendation 31 calls for Caleb to receive counselling and a pay rise from $25 to $30.
Bryce has lodged an appeal. Tania has lodged a counter-appeal. The chocolate fish has gone soft in the evidence locker. Caleb has resigned.
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Reader Letters
KiwiGrant
Bloody typical, mate.
UpsetKiwiDad
This is shameful. We teach our kids integrity—what's this showing them!? Fair play's out the window.
wayne1987
@UpsetKiwiDad, it's not the end of the world, probably upped his tooth fairy payout.
couchgremlin
Lol.
Sally_Kaiapoi
The problem isn't just Tania, it's the whole system. Bryce shouldn't be coaching his own kid's team—it always ends in this kind of mess. Happened to us in Linwood with Jono's dad!
MumOf3_Riccarton
Don't forget, rugby's meant to teach the kids more than just the game, right? They learn generosity too, even if it's a bloody mess here.
fairplayreferee
Caleb deserves better. He's just trying to ref and gets dragged into family drama! If it weren't so ridiculous, it'd be disgusting.
Conspirational_Kiwi
Tania probably had some dirt on Bryce or just overdyed her hair for intimidation. That chocolate fish never stood a chance.
Garry (Halswell)
Mate, you all keep whinging but it's not new. They gave out Player of the Day in '88 for just showing up with boots. At least now, you need to do something!
rugbyfanJoe
Bryce's appeal is a joke. He knew the kid wasn't there! Stiff bikkies, mate.