ROYAL COMMISSION OF INQUIRY INTO WANAKA MAYORAL CAT FINDS IRREGULARITIES, ALSO A NICE GINGER BOY

The Royal Commission of Inquiry into the Election of Mr Whiskers (Ponsonby) as Unofficial Mayor of Wanaka has today released its preliminary findings. The report runs to 847 pages and one smudged paw print on page 312.

The Commission was established in late 2023. Public concern had mounted that a Facebook poll on the "Wanaka Locals (No Tourists Pls)" group had elevated a cat from Ponsonby to a ceremonial office. The cat lives 1,400 kilometres away. The office does not legally exist.

The Commission heard evidence from 43 witnesses. These included a woman known only as "Dianne who runs the bakery". Dianne told the panel: "We just thought he had a nice face. Reminded me of a cat I had in 1974. Lovely cat. Got hit by a Bedford."

Finding 7 notes the poll attracted 2,431 votes. Of these, the Commission could not satisfy itself that 1,800 were not also cats. Finding 12 records that runner-up Reece, a Queenstown jet boat operator, has accepted the result "with grace, mostly". Finding 19 confirms Mr Whiskers was not interviewed, being asleep on a sunbeam at the relevant time.

The Honourable Commissioner, sitting above the Wanaka Mitre 10, observed the matter raised "profound questions about democratic legitimacy, and also whether a cat can hold a warrant of fitness". Counsel assisting submitted that it could not. The Commissioner reserved his position pending lunch.

Recommendation 14 proposes future candidates must reside within the district. Recommendation 22 suggests Mr Whiskers receive honorary status and a small plaque near the lakefront, not blocking the view. Mr Whiskers, contacted through his owner, declined to comment but did knock a mug off a bench.