New Plymouth's Unreadable Sign Leaves Locals Philosophically Challenged

It was a Tuesday morning in New Plymouth Central. The mountain was out. The wind was, as ever, doing what the wind does. And on a patch of grass not far from the coastal walkway, a small wooden sign had appeared overnight, bearing two lines of weathered paint and a string of fairy lights nobody could explain.

The sign reads, in full: PRIVATE SIGN. DO NOT READ. To date, every single person who has walked past it has read it. The suspect — the sign's installer — remains at large.

Lena Hoeta, 34, who walks her terrier along the path most mornings, said she'd read it four times before she realised what it was asking of her. "By then it was too late. I'd done the crime. The dog read it too, technically. He looked at it. That counts."

A second witness, Murray Cribb, 71, said he was "deeply unsettled" by the philosophical position the sign had placed him in. "You can't un-read a sign, mate. I tried. Closed my eyes walking back past it. Still knew what it said. That's the bastard of it."

A New Plymouth District Council spokesperson confirmed the sign was not council-issued and that staff were "reviewing whether reading it constitutes a breach of the sign's own terms". Pressed on enforcement, the spokesperson said the matter was "with legal, who have also read it".

As of Wednesday evening the fairy lights had been switched on, drawing a small crowd. None of them, when asked, were able to explain why they had stopped. The sign is still there. It is still being read.