Satire — not real news Submit a yarn
The Daily Yarn

Aotearoa's finest fabricated news

Tradie Tales

CLAUDELANDS APPRENTICE SENT TO AUCKLAND FOR TARTAN PAINT AND A LONG WEIGHT, FILES VIDEO APOLOGY FROM PANMURE RESENE

Guys. Guys. I never thought I'd have to make this video.

Guys. Guys. I never thought I'd have to make this video. deep breath So a lot of you know I'm doing my apprenticeship out of Claudelands. On Tuesday the boys sent me to Auckland for a tin of tartan paint and a long weight. I want to be transparent with my community. I did that. I drove the Hilux up. I got a pie at Pokeno. I am doing the work.

pauses I want to start by apologising. To my foreman Macca, to the lads, and to the Resene lady in Panmure who I made cry. Sharon, if you're watching, I see you, I hear you, I am so sorry. Sharon stood there forty minutes while I asked, quote, "have yous got the tartan in a four litre or do I need to grab two twos." Sharon. I'm so sorry, queen.

I rang Macca about the long weight at 1pm. He said "yeah mate, just keep waiting, they'll bring it out." So I waited. In the carpark. Next to a bloke eating a Subway in a Transit van. And I want to acknowledge, because accountability matters, that the bloke in the Transit was laughing at me on the phone. I have had to sit with that.

Macca rang back at 4.15pm. He was at the Hillcrest Tavern. He said, and I'm reading from my notes: "you soft cunt, drive home." That's between me and Macca. Macca's a good cunt. We are healing as a crew. But the boys put it on the site WhatsApp. With the dashcam. Which Macca had been recording the whole time. From the ute. Which I did not know had a dashcam.

A Hamilton City Council building inspector said the incident raised "no compliance concerns" but that he'd "heard about it at Chartwell New World and had a good laugh." Mate. Read the room. Nobody asked the clipboard.

I'm taking time off the tools to focus on my mental health, and also because Macca said I'm not allowed back till Monday. Links below for my new course on accountability.

Know someone this is about? Send it to them.

Spotted something like this in your area?

Send us a photo and a sentence. We'll write the article.

SUBMIT A YARN →

Free. Anonymous if you want. Takes 60 seconds.

Reader Letters

Trev_Hornby

Classic gullibility at its finest.

wayne1987

Honestly, if you're falling for this, you might need more than mental health time. Learn the trade properly, cunts.

understanding_fran

Mate, that's the third time this week someone here fell for the tartan paint trick. Toughen up!

Old_Sheldon

How does anyone still fall for the long weight gag? It's been around longer than my Nana's dentures!

SympatheticSam

I'm from Panmure and I know Sharon. She's a sweet lady, and no one deserves to be stuck in that kind of nonsense. Customers need to be smarter.

Garry (Halswell)

What a dickhead!

BoomerKev

This is why apprenticeships aren't what they used to be. Back then, we learned discipline and respect, not just fell for piss-takes.

stuck_in_whakatane

I don't even understand why this is news. Isn't this just normal tradie banter?

MumOf3_Riccarton

Good on you for taking accountability and stepping back. It's not easy to admit you've been a bit munted by a joke.

KiwiRob

Apprentices these days are just too sensitive. Can't even handle a bit of a laugh without cracking it.

Know someone this is about? Send it to them.

Report / Takedown

Like this yarn?

Get the best one every morning.

SATIRE — Everything on this site is fabricated for entertainment. Not real news.