ROYAL COMMISSION FINDS FOURTH GNOME LODGED IN WELCOME BAY SEWER LINE

The Royal Commission of Inquiry into Repeated Obstruction of Wastewater at Welcome Bay delivered its interim report yesterday. The Commission finds, on the balance of probabilities, that a fourth garden gnome has become lodged in a sewer line on Welcome Bay Road.

The Terms of Reference, gazetted in March, required inquiry into three matters: how the gnome got there, whether it was the same gnome, and who is going to pay for it. Seventeen witnesses were called. Among them was the plumber, Wayne Trundle of Trundle & Sons (Papamoa), who described the scene under oath as "fucked, mate, again".

Mr Trundle extracted the gnome at 11.47am on a Tuesday. "Fourth one this year. Same street. Different gnome. This cunt had a little fishing rod." The Commission notes, per counsel assisting, that Mr Trundle's language was affectionate and not directed at the gnome as a legal person.

Expert evidence established the gnomes are not migrating unassisted. Neighbour Coralie Whitcombe, 71, of Ohauiti Road, said she had "a fair idea who's doing it" but declined to name the party on the grounds that "he mows my berm". The Commission finds this evidence credible but incomplete. Reminds me of the 1974 inquiry into the missing pier bollards. Never solved. The pier's the poorer for it.

Finding 34: the gnomes are being posted. Finding 35: by a person known to Coralie. Finding 36: Wayne is owed $487 including GST. The homeowner has refused payment on the grounds the gnome is "not technically his property". Recommendation 14: that all gnomes in the catchment be registered and fastened to a fixed point. Recommendation 15: that Wayne be paid.

The Commission will reconvene in August to hear submissions on the fifth gnome, lodged in the same pipe during the drafting of this report.