OPUNAKE PERGOLA PASSES COUNCIL INSPECTION, FAILS FIRST DECENT SOUTHERLY

A pergola in Opunake that was signed off by South Taranaki District Council on Tuesday had, by Thursday lunchtime, developed what builders call "a noticeable lean" and what everyone else calls fucked.

The structure, bolted to the side of a weatherboard place two streets back from the walkway, was meant to provide a sheltered spot for entertaining. It now provides a sheltered view of itself falling into the hydrangeas. My Gerald built a pergola in 1987 that's still standing, and he didn't need a consent or a fluoro vest to do it.

Neighbour Raelene Tu'ipulotu, 61, said she'd watched the whole thing go up in a day and a half. "The bloke kept saying it'd be 'right as'. It is not right as. It's on a lean and the cat won't go near it. Bloody piss-take."

The builder, contacted at the Opunake BP mid-pie, said the pergola was "sound in still air" and that Taranaki wind was "a known variable". Asked whether he'd allowed for it, he said: "Look mate, I allowed for some of it. Not all of it. You can't allow for all of it or you'd never build anything." He added the homeowner was a good cunt who understood these things.

A council spokesperson confirmed the consent was issued correctly and that the inspection process "does not assess long-term performance under coastal conditions". Pressed on what it does assess, the spokesperson said the paperwork was "in order", which it remains, even as the pergola is not.

The homeowner has engaged a second builder to have a look. He is available Tuesday. Which Tuesday was not specified. My son's new girlfriend, who claims to be "into design", has offered her thoughts on Facebook. No-one asked.