ROYAL COMMISSION FINDS BOTANY PERGOLA 'APPROVED BY COUNCIL BUT NOT BY PHYSICS'

The Royal Commission of Inquiry into the Botany Pergola Incident has today released its 340-page report. It finds, on the balance of probabilities, that the structure is 'held up by hope and two screws from a Kmart spice rack'.

The terms of reference required the Commission to determine how a pergola on Botany Road received council sign-off despite being, per expert evidence, 'in active disagreement with gravity'. Dr Lenore Whitmarsh of the University of Auckland told the Commission she had wept on the site visit. 'Not professionally. Personally. It was leaning at angles I had thought theoretical.'

The Commission heard from 47 witnesses. Builder Macca Tuilagi appeared under summons and told counsel the job was 'a good cunt of a build, done it Tuesday'. Pressed on which Tuesday, Mr Tuilagi conceded it may have been a Wednesday. Possibly in 2022. The council inspector, who cannot be named, gave evidence he had signed off the build 'from the ute' while eating a mince and cheese from the Botany Z.

Finding 14 states the pergola 'should not, by any application of the building code, be standing'. Finding 15 notes that it is standing. The Commission describes this as 'a matter of ongoing concern'. Recommendation 7 calls for the structure to be left where it is and studied.

Homeowner Marcia Pendelton-Yu gave evidence she paid $14,000 cash and received a receipt written on the back of a Pak'nSave docket. 'He told me it'd outlast the house,' she said. 'I now believe him. The house is fucked too.'

Auckland Council told the Commission the sign-off was 'consistent with our processes'. The Commission found this, on the evidence, to be regrettably true. The pergola remains upright at time of publication. A neighbour says it has 'developed a bit of a lean to the left, like Barry from number 12'.