ROYAL COMMISSION FINDS MAKETU CLUBROOMS SMELL OF 'DEEP HEAT AND REGRET', RECOMMENDS EXTRACTOR FAN

The Royal Commission of Inquiry into the Olfactory Conditions at Maketu Rugby & Sports Club has delivered its 340-page report. On the balance of probabilities, the building smells of Deep Heat and regret, and has done so since at least 1987.

The Commission was established under Terms of Reference 1(a) through 1(f). These included the source of the smell, whether it was a workplace hazard, and whether it had "actually got worse since they redid the kitchen".

Evidence was heard from 47 witnesses. These included three groundskeepers, a Mount Maunganui podiatrist, the widow of a former club captain, and a man identified in transcripts only as "Baz from the U16s". Baz told the Commission the smell was "just how a clubrooms is meant to smell, aye". The Commission accepted this submission as sincere but unhelpful.

Finding 12 attributed the Deep Heat to over-application by players aged 34 to 61 "who should have retired from social grade by now". Finding 13 traced the regret to a 2004 committee decision about the carpet. The Commission described that decision as "objectively the wrong call".

A club spokesperson said the report was "a bit much" and that the smell was "part of the character". Asked about Recommendation 14 — an extractor fan and a formal apology to the 2004 women's netball side — he said they'd "raise it at the AGM, probably".

The report has been referred to the Minister for Sport and Recreation, who has not opened the email. The clubrooms remain open Thursday nights for meat raffles.