Satire — not real news Submit a yarn
The Daily Yarn

Aotearoa's finest fabricated news

Suburban Crime

PYES PA GARDEN HOSE THEFT ENTERS THIRD WEEK, STREET NOW SPLIT INTO 'TWO CAMPS'

Sources on Cheyne Road say the cul-de-sac hasn't spoken as one unit since the 4th.

A Stuff investigation can reveal that residents of a Pyes Pa cul-de-sac have split into rival factions over a missing garden hose. Neighbours are no longer waving over the wheelie bins.

The hose, described by its owner as "a Hozelock, not some Bunnings shit", was last seen coiled on a Cheyne Road lawn on the evening of the 4th. By morning it was gone. By that afternoon, three separate group chats had formed.

"There are two camps now. There's the ones who think it was Denise, and there's the ones who don't." — resident, spoke to Stuff on condition of anonymity

Multiple sources who spoke to Stuff on condition of anonymity said the street has fractured. The fault line matches a 2022 dispute over a shared driveway seal-coat. One source, who asked to be referred to only as "a woman with a hydrangea", said the mood had gone "quite cold, considering the weather".

What we know: The hose was green. It was retractable. It belonged to a bloke on the odd-numbered side. A neighbour two doors down bought a similar hose from Mitre 10 Bethlehem on the 6th. The receipt has been photographed. It is circulating in one of the group chats.

What we don't know: Whether the Mitre 10 hose is the hose. Whether Denise, 61, was even home that night. Why anyone leaves a $180 hose out in Pyes Pa right now. Whether the seal-coat business is relevant.

A Tauranga City Council spokesperson said hose theft was "not something council has jurisdiction over, or frankly, opinions on". Police confirmed no formal complaint had been lodged. They were, however, aware of "elevated tensions in the Pyes Pa area regarding irrigation".

Stuff has approached Denise for comment.

Know someone this is about? Send it to them.

Reader Letters

Trev_Hornby

It's just a bloody hose!

Garry (Halswell)

Back in my day, neighbours didn't need a hose to argue. We used to have disputes over the kerb being painted the wrong colour and still had a good laugh about it later down at the pub.

MumOf3_Tauranga

Honestly, if Denise did it, she'd have returned it by now. Everyone knows each other's dirt in that cul-de-sac. This whole thing is a piss-take.

wayne1987

Mate, who leaves a $180 hose out in the open? It's asking for trouble these days. Pyes Pa isn't exactly Fort Knox.

conspiracy_Kev

True, but the real question is why the council conveniently has no opinion on this. They had lots to say about wheelie bins.

greenfingers_auckland

I think it's hilarious that a hose has split the street. Imagine Chatswood or Remuera getting this heated over gardening supplies. They wouldn't survive the winter.

pedantic_paul

Green hoses are on sale every month at Mitre 10, so it being bought on the 6th means nothing. Classic case of bad timing, that's all.

neighbour_ken

@pedantic_paul, you're missing the point. The issue isn't the timing but how this is tearing the community apart!

cityslicker_tina

This is what happens when Pyes Pa tries to act like a big city. Next it'll be coffee envy.

FEILDING NEIGHBOURHOOD WATCH LAUNCHES FORMAL INQUIRY INTO WHEELIE BIN ALIGNMENT

Suburban Crime Feilding Read it →

Spotted something like this in your area?

Send us a photo and a sentence. We'll write the article.

SUBMIT A YARN →

Free. Anonymous if you want. Takes 60 seconds.

Know someone this is about? Send it to them.

Report / Takedown

Like this yarn?

Get the best one in your inbox every morning at 6am.

Satire — everything here is fabricated for entertainment. Not real news.