ELLERSLIE PERGOLA PASSES COUNCIL INSPECTION, FAILS BASIC LAWS OF PHYSICS

A pergola in Ellerslie has been declared fully compliant by Auckland Council and fully rooted by everyone who's looked at it. That includes a structural engineer walking his dog on Tuesday.

The structure is bolted to the back of a brick-and-tile off Ladies Mile. It was signed off in June. The inspector ticked every box and left before the wind picked up. It has since developed what the owner calls "a bit of a lean" and what the neighbour calls "a fucking countdown."

Owner Marnie Fitzsimmons, 44, said the builder had assured her it was "engineered to spec." Asked which spec, Fitzsimmons said: "He didn't say. He was eating a mince and cheese from the Ellerslie Four Square. He seemed confident. I signed the thing."

The builder, contacted at another job in Panmure, said the pergola was "sweet as." Any movement was "the timber settling in, bro." Asked why it was settling sideways, he said the posts were tanalised, "so they've got a bit of personality." He then had to go because his ute was blocking a bus.

A council spokesperson confirmed the consent was issued correctly. The inspection "met all documented requirements at the time." Asked whether the pergola would still be standing by Friday, they said that was "outside the scope of the consent."

The neighbour has moved the spa pool two metres left. He's watching from the kitchen window with a beer. He reckons Thursday. Marnie reckons Friday. The builder reckons Tuesday, but he always reckons Tuesday.