ROYAL COMMISSION FINDS 47 VB CANS ENTOMBED IN ISLINGTON CEILING, NO ONE FUCKEN OWNING UP
The Commission sat for six days. The cans sat for thirty-seven years.
The Royal Commission of Inquiry into the Islington Ceiling Cavity Incident has delivered its interim findings. On the balance of probabilities, 47 empty VB cans were deposited above a Gladstone Road weatherboard in 1987. The culprits are, per Finding 3(b), 'largely retired to Rolleston'.
The Commission heard evidence from insulation contractor Wayne Poutu, 34, who found the cache while installing batts on Tuesday. 'Pulled up the Gib, and it's just fucken cans, mate. Stacked. Like someone gave a shit about presentation.' Mr Poutu initially believed the cavity contained a possum. He later revised this to 'a possum's uncle's shed'.
Counsel Assisting produced Exhibit 14: a can marked in Vivid, 'GAZZA — DO NOT DRINK THIS ONE'. The Commission was unable to locate Gazza. Recommendation 7 provides that Gazza, if living, be called to give evidence, and if deceased, that a small plaque be affixed to the joist.
The original 1987 builder, called only as Witness B, appeared via AVL from a Wānaka golf course. 'Look, we all did it, ay. You'd finish the framing, chuck your empties in, sign off the dwang. Every house in Islington's got a piss-up in the ceiling. Ask any good cunt from that era.' The Commission notes this admission with concern.
A Christchurch City Council spokesperson told the Commission that retrospective consent for the cans was 'not a pathway currently available'. A working group has been convened. It has met twice and ordered pies.
The final report is due Tuesday. Recommendation 23 clarifies that 'Tuesday' means 'when the parts turn up from Timaru'.
More yarns from Islington Tradie Tales
Know someone this is about? Send it to them.
Reader Letters
★ Margaret_F
Back in my day, we did our knocking down beers at the pub, not the attic. But Gerald would’ve chuckled at this nonsense. In our day, building inspectors would've been shocked at this.
★ BarryBishopdale
Bloody Australians and their VB obsession! Wouldn’t have happened in Wellington, that's for sure. The council here is asleep most days!
ropeable_dave
@BarryBishopdale Mate, it's not always the bloody Australians. Some locals love VB too!
couchgremlin
Nice work, Gazza. Free recycling.
★ JoannePetone
Honestly, why bother with a Royal Commission over a few cans? The money could’ve been better spent fixing the bloody potholes in the Hutt!
sensible_sue
@JoannePetone Yeah, there's no point in digging through who they belonged to. They’re hardly current hazards compared to the real safety concerns in our neighbourhoods.
★ Trev_Hornby
All this fuss over some old cans, yet my rooterfuji fixed the Gib and tightened it up in half the time! Always knew they were over-regulating tradies.
CliffyBoy
Free Gazza! What a legend.
vespa_vince
Ropeable it took this long to find them!
Spotted something like this in your area?
Send us a photo and a sentence. We'll write the article.
SUBMIT A YARN →Free. Anonymous if you want. Takes 60 seconds.