FRANKTON UNDER-11 BBQ EVACUATES QUEENSTOWN LIBRARY, REF STILL BLAMED

A sideline BBQ at a Frankton under-11 football match on Saturday morning triggered the smoke alarm at the Queenstown Library next door. Twenty-three patrons were evacuated, including two toddlers and a bloke asleep in the biography section since 9.15am.

The BBQ, operated by parent volunteer Deano Whitiora, was four metres from the library's air intake. This reporter would describe that as SUBOPTIMAL POSITIONING. Deano had been cooking onions on high for what witnesses called "a fucking long time, mate".

"I told the ref the offside was bullshit and then the alarm went off," Deano told The Daily Yarn, still holding tongs. "Two things can be true. The ref's a tosser and my onions were going alright."

The referee, a 19-year-old paid $35 for the fixture, declined to comment beyond stating he was "looking at other hobbies". A second sideline dad, who gave his name only as Griz, said the evacuation was "honestly the best thing that ref's had all game, because I was about to have a word".

FENZ attended, confirmed no fire, and issued what my mate at the station is calling a "please sort your shit out" notice. Library staff have requested the BBQ be relocated. The club has proposed relocating the library instead.

The under-11s lost 3-1. Deano's onions, per multiple sources, were undercooked.