ELTHAM DECK BUILT "FOR ENTERTAINING" TOO NARROW FOR A SINGLE FOLDING CHAIR
Builder insists the measurements are correct. The chair insists otherwise.
A newly finished entertainer's deck on a quiet Eltham street is unable to accommodate a single chair, the homeowner has confirmed, after the builder handed over the keys on Friday and drove off in a Hilux with the stereo on.
The deck, described in the original quote as "perfect for hosting", measures 780mm from the house to the outer rail. A standard folding chair measures 820mm. The homeowner, Denise Corkill, worked this out with a tape measure and a growing sense of dread.
"I stood on it. That was fine. I sat on it — well, I tried. Chair went over the rail like it was auditioning for something," Corkill said. "He told me it'd fit a table and six. I've got a plank and a grievance."
The builder, contacted at a bakery in Stratford mid-mince-and-cheese, told The Daily Yarn the deck was "built to plan" and that Denise was "carrying on". Asked whose plan, he said "the plan", and asked which chair, he said "any normal fucking chair, mate". Pressed on the 780mm figure, he conceded he may have "read the drawing side-on".
A neighbour, watching from his own considerably wider deck, said the whole thing reminded him of a job done on his parents' place in 1974, where a bloke built a carport at a 3-degree lean and blamed the mountain. "Good cunt, that builder. Terrible carport. Same energy here, really."
Corkill has since placed the folding chair on the lawn beside the deck and is entertaining from there. The builder says he'll come back and look at it Tuesday.
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Reader Letters
carpentry_fail
That's bloody embarrassing!
Dazed_Dale
Must be having a laugh. Why pay for entertainment if all you can do is stand like a meerkat? Measurement gone mad.
Trev_Hornby
Bloke must’ve been using a different metric system! How do you bugger up a deck so bad?
couchgremlin
Lol, can’t expect much else from a bloke more interested in pies than plans.
LindaBee
Mate, that's not a deck. That's a bloody window ledge!
tired_in_riccarton
@LindaBee, that's the most accurate description of a deck I've heard! Imagine trying to host anything more than a seagull.
Garry (Halswell)
Back in my day, a deck was built for dancing on, not for slipping off with a cuppa! You'd reckon folks could trust builders not to mangle measurements.
wayne1987
780mm is more than enough if you just size down on the chairs. Everything's getting bigger these days, not like the good old days.
MumOf3
I reckon the builder’s rooted. This is classic Eltham - always something being built slightly wonky. But hey, it’s got character!
Garry (Halswell)
Maybe the builder had too many brews! Sounds like something straight out of a comedy show.
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