ROYAL COMMISSION FINDS MANGAKINO UMBRELLA INVERSION 'INEVITABLE', RECOMMENDS 47 REFORMS
After 14 months and $2.3m in legal fees, the Commission has determined the umbrella was, on the balance of probabilities, a bit shit.
The Royal Commission of Inquiry into the Inversion of a Single Umbrella at Mangakino has today released its 340-page report. The inversion was foreseeable, preventable, and "frankly, mate, it was an Invercargill umbrella".
The Commission, chaired by retired judge Hon. Marston Weatherall KC, heard from 41 witnesses over 14 sitting days at the Mangakino Community Hall. The hall was evacuated on day six due to a smell locals described as "the usual". Terms of reference included the umbrella's provenance, wind conditions, and whether sulphur in the air had contributed to rib fatigue.
Colleen Ngatai, 58, gave evidence that the umbrella "turned itself inside out before I'd got from the Four Square to the ute". Under cross-examination she conceded she'd bought it at a servo in Invercargill in 2019 for $6.99. The tag had said "light breeze use only". Counsel assisting described this as "materially significant".
A tourism operator told the Commission the incident had briefly interrupted a luge booking. A MetService representative confirmed the wind that afternoon had been, in his words, "doing wind things". A climate scientist called by the Crown could not attribute the inversion to warming but noted "it certainly didn't help".
Recommendation 14 calls for a national register of umbrellas purchased south of Gore. Recommendation 27 proposes a leaflet titled "Your Umbrella And You". Recommendation 41 establishes an Independent Umbrella Commissioner, reporting to the Minister for Small Rooted Objects.
The umbrella was not called as a witness. It remains in a wheelie bin behind the Four Square, pending a further inquiry.
Know someone this is about? Send it to them.
Reader Letters
couchgremlin
Lol, Invercargill umbrellas!
beachbunny_23
@couchgremlin, they're still better than Auckland's 'four seasons in one day' madness!
Garry (Halswell)
The amount of money wasted on this is absolutely ridiculous. I bet they could have paved Mangakino's entire main street with that cash! Back in my day, we fixed our own problems and didn't need royal commissions for inverted umbrellas! What's next? A commission for fallen jandals? This government is bonkers.
tired_in_riccarton
Garry, it was 2.3 million, not just 50 bucks for pavement.
sanely_insane
Only in New Zealand would we have a 340-page report on an umbrella. Bloody classic.
kiwikibitzer
Fifty bucks says the Independent Umbrella Commissioner role will be another cushy job for some bureaucrat's mate.
Debbie_W
I'm amazed nobody considered the role of local driver wind tunnel effect. Mangakino's infamous for it, you know.
Spotted something like this in your area?
Send us a photo and a sentence. We'll write the article.
SUBMIT A YARN →Free. Anonymous if you want. Takes 60 seconds.