SPREYDON SPARKY LABELS EVERY SWITCH "MAYBE", DOES A RUNNER
Homeowner now selects lighting by process of elimination and prayer.
Constable Dave Pearce
Dave treats every stolen garden gnome like an Interpol case.
FEILDING MAN LODGES FORMAL COMPLAINT AGAINST THE WIND, ALLEGES "PERSONAL VENDETTA"
Constable's note: the wind is not, at time of writing, a person under the Crimes Act 1961.
ONEHUNGA MUM ACCUSED OF "MUFTI DAY ARMS RACE" AFTER SENDING SON IN FULL TUXEDO
It was a gold coin donation. She brought a cummerbund.
TOKOROA RETAINING WALL HELD UP BY NO. 8 WIRE, A BREEZE BLOCK, AND "SHE'LL HOLD"
Builder says the wall has structural integrity. The wall says otherwise. Constable Pearce attended.
GREEN ISLAND PARADE STALLED 40 MINUTES AFTER ATTENDEE ARRIVES WITH GOAT FOR "ATMOSPHERE"
The goat had no permit, no lead long enough, and no interest in the brass band.
ATAWHAI LIBRARY FINE DEBATE TURNS UGLY, RETIREE BLAMES COUNCIL AND PRICE OF BUTTER
Heather has THOUGHTS and she is not afraid to share them
CHURTON PARK SCHOOL BANS GLITTER AFTER HALL INCIDENT DEEMED 'BIBLICAL'
Board of trustees has classified the stuff as a banned craft material. Cleaners are still finding it on the ceiling.
TE ANAU SCARECROW NAMED BEST DRESSED AT AWARDS NIGHT THAT DID NOT HAPPEN
The scarecrow has a rosette. There was no ceremony. Nobody knows who did it.
WESTOWN BLOKE COOKED ON FIRST SUNNY TUESDAY, SHOULDERS NOW STOP-SIGN RED
Macca forgot the sun was a thing. The sun did not forget Macca.
MOUNT VICTORIA PTA TREASURER LAUNCHES FULL AUDIT OVER MISSING $3.50
The sausage sizzle float was short by the price of one sausage. The treasurer has cleared her Thursday.
TAURANGA SOUTH HUMIDITY DECLARED A HAZARD TO COIFFURE, COUNCIL TO RESPOND IN DUE COURSE
A resident's fringe was last seen heading toward the Mount under its own power.
Aro Valley Builders Enjoy Smoko Feast as Work Lags
Aro Valley site trades tools for pies — progress redefined.
Christchurch 4WDer Vanishes; Yeti Bob Blamed by Locals
His Jimny turned up on gravel with the side-step hanging off. Adam did not.
Local Spice Baron Welcomes Delivery as Nintendo Icon
Three Speights in at the Sumner pub when Macca tells me about Walter again. Mate, you won't believe this one.
NEWFIELD DAIRY BECOMES MET SERVICE ANNEX AFTER FROST DEBATE TURNS PERSONAL
Two pensioners, one thermometer, and a packet of Pineapple Lumps held hostage for forty minutes.
Atawhai Man's Kite Not UFO, Just Very Intense Flying
The kite has dangly bits. The wristwatch cost more than the kite. The wind does not care.
PONSONBY BATHROOM RENO ENTERS YEAR THREE, BUILDER SAYS IT'S 'DONE TUESDAY'
The homeowner has showered at the gym 437 times. The builder has not picked up a phone since the Coronation.
INVERCARGILL MITRE 10 RETURNS DESK ACCEPTS BARBECUE STILL ACTIVELY ON FIRE
Customer cited 'change of heart'. Staff cited the smoke alarm.
ISLAND BAY BATHROOM RENO STALLED 11 DAYS OVER WRONG SHADE OF WHITE
The tiler is parked on The Parade eating his third pie. Nobody is showering.
NEWTOWN UNDER-11 NETBALL REF THREATENED WITH NEIGHBOURLY REVIEW OVER "DODGY CONTACT CALL"
The ref is 16. The mum is 43. The post is now pinned.