ROYAL COMMISSION OF INQUIRY INTO WANAKA MAYORAL CAT FINDS IRREGULARITIES, ALSO A NICE GINGER BOY
After 14 months and $2.3 million in fees, the Commission has determined the cat is, on the balance of probabilities, a cat.
Barry Hoskins
Barry has never met a seagull incident he couldn't stretch to 800 words.
WINTON SPARKIES SEND APPRENTICE TO AUCKLAND FOR TARTAN PAINT, LONG WEIGHT — HE'S BEEN GONE SINCE TUESDAY
Lad flew out of Invercargill on a 6am Jetstar. Has rung four Mitre 10s and a Resene in Penrose. None of them are laughing.
Cycle Lanes to Steam Engines: Woolston's Quirky Future Plans
*Chimneys over cones? Locals are keen to see the smoke rise again.*
Tekapo Flat Whites: The $7.20 Caffeine Shake-Down
Flat whites now costing a mint at $7.20 a pop.
PAPAMOA COMMUNITY GARDEN AT WAR OVER MYSTERY KALE
Half the committee thinks someone donated it. The other half thinks someone's taking the piss.
HAMILTON EAST WHEELIE BIN LEFT OPEN OVERNIGHT, COOK STREET LOSES IT
Three notes, one text chain, and an email to council. All because Mrs Patterson's lid was up six inches.
NEWMARKET MAN INSTALLS FOUR-CAMERA CCTV SYSTEM TO WATCH LETTERBOX, NOTHING ELSE
The driveway, the front door, and the garage remain entirely unsurveilled. The letterbox has 1080p coverage from three angles.
HAMILTON EAST PICNIC RELOCATED TO LOUNGE, THERMOSES NOW SEATED BY ALLEGIANCE
What began as a riverside gathering has become a silent standoff over who brought the better flask.
ONERAHI EV CHARGERS INSTALLED IN PADDOCK NO CAR HAS EVER REACHED
Whangarei District Council confirms the two chargers are 'future-proofing' a gravel turnaround accessible only on foot.
TARADALE BRACES FOR SNOW THAT HAS NEVER, IN RECORDED HISTORY, ARRIVED
MetService mentioned the word once. Pak'nSave is out of bread by 9am.
STOKE MAN ERECTS SIX-FOOT SCARECROW TO DETER U-TURNS, NEIGHBOURS NOW DOING U-TURNS TO LOOK AT IT
The scarecrow is wearing a hi-vis and Gerald's old fishing hat.
MOSGIEL PERGOLA PASSES COUNCIL INSPECTION, FAILS BASIC LAWS OF GRAVITY
The consent's in a drawer. The pergola's in the neighbour's hedge.
ONERAHI SCHOOL CAR PARK NOW OPERATING UNDER PEACEKEEPING ROSTER AT 3PM
Two mums haven't made eye contact since the term two bake sale. A third is mediating from a Hilux.
PONSONBY PENSIONER ACCUSED OF SHOPLIFTING BY MACHINE THAT CAN'T TELL A CARROT FROM A PARSNIP
The Woolworths self-checkout flagged 82-year-old Eileen Brockett for 'suspicious bagging activity'. She had two onions and a Listener.
DEVONPORT MITRE 10 OUT OF ZIP TIES, LOCALS GATHER ON FORECOURT IN QUIET DESPAIR
Staff say a fresh shipment is due Thursday. Several customers have stayed anyway, just to be near the empty hook.
SUMNER SPARKY'S TOOLBOX KNOCKED OFF FRIDAY — REPLACED BY SATURDAY VIA $4 SAUSAGES
The thieves got a Makita combo kit. The community got 380 onions through a Briscoes pan.
NEWMARKET COMMUNITY HALL DOUBLE-BOOKED FOR YOGA AND BINGO, NEITHER SIDE WILLING TO BUDGE
Downward dog versus two fat ladies. The hall manager has gone to lie down in her car.
PAPAMOA CHEMIST OUT OF PANADOL BEFORE FORECAST DROPS BELOW 18 DEGREES
The southerly hadn't arrived. The Panadol already had.
TARADALE SCAFFOLDERS ADD $400 'ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT' LINE TO QUOTE
The homeowner asked what it was for. The scaffolder charged him another twenty for asking.
NEWTOWN SCHOOL BAKE SALE CUPCAKE PRICED AT $48 — PTA INSISTS "IT'S FOR THE TURF"
A single vanilla cupcake on a paper doily is now worth more than a tank of petrol and a flat white combined.