WINTON SPARKIES SEND APPRENTICE TO AUCKLAND FOR TARTAN PAINT, LONG WEIGHT — HE'S BEEN GONE SINCE TUESDAY
Lad flew out of Invercargill on a 6am Jetstar. Has rung four Mitre 10s and a Resene in Penrose. None of them are laughing.
Tradie Tales
Building sites, utes, and the sacred morning pie ritual from Kaitaia to Bluff.
MACANDREW BAY RETAINING WALL HELD UP BY NO. 8 WIRE AND "A REAL POSITIVE ATTITUDE", BUILDER CONFIRMS
It was a Tuesday morning in Macandrew Bay. The hill was about to become a suggestion.
Aro Valley Builders Enjoy Smoko Feast as Work Lags
Aro Valley site trades tools for pies — progress redefined.
Ashburton Dog's Bubble Tail Bewitches and Bewilders Locals
Local puppy's soap bubble tail threatens Ashburton's artisanal market economy.
Canterbury Legend Tows Mattress, Pallet in Wild Jimny Combo
ORY764 last seen leaving Prestons Road at 40km/h with a queen-sized Sleepyhead doing the limbo.
PONSONBY BATHROOM RENO ENTERS YEAR THREE, BUILDER SAYS IT'S 'DONE TUESDAY'
The homeowner has showered at the gym 437 times. The builder has not picked up a phone since the Coronation.
STOKE PLUMBER PULLS THIRD GARDEN GNOME FROM SAME DRAIN THIS YEAR
The gnome was holding a tiny fishing rod. The fishing rod was holding back six weeks of shit.
BISHOPDALE SPARKY LABELS EVERY SWITCH "MAYBE" AND PISSES OFF TO RANGIORA
Homeowner now flicks switches like she's playing pokies.
ISLAND BAY BATHROOM RENO STALLED 11 DAYS OVER WRONG SHADE OF WHITE
The tiler is parked on The Parade eating his third pie. Nobody is showering.
DEVONPORT SITE FOREMAN HALTS SMOKO TO LECTURE CREW ON PIE TEMPERATURE
The pies were from the Vauxhall Four Square. The clipboard was from head office. Neither side enjoyed it.
LINWOOD RETAINING WALL HELD UP BY NO. 8 WIRE, A FENCE POST, AND "SHEER FUCKING WILLPOWER"
The wall is 30 years old. The wire is older. The slope behind it contains a trampoline.
PAPAMOA ROOFING CREW DOWNS TOOLS EVERY TIME A PLANE PASSES — CITES "SAFETY"
Tauranga Airport is 4km away. The crew has stopped work 38 times since Monday.
HENDERSON TRADIE FIRES UP SAUSAGE SIZZLE ON ROOF OF HILUX, INSISTS IT'S "WAY MORE STABLE THAN IT LOOKS"
The Hilux is parked outside a Lincoln Road job site. The hotplate is on the cab. WorkSafe has been notified.
MT EDEN BUILDER NAMES EVERY NAIL ON SITE, REFUSES TO HAMMER UNTIL GREETED PROPERLY
Job is eleven weeks behind. The foreman's calling in sick. The nails have surnames.
KARORI BUILDER INSISTS GAPING HOLE IN ROOF IS 'VENTILATION, BRO'
Homeowner asked for a re-roof. Got a skylight. Got a puddle. Got a lecture about airflow.
NEWTOWN DECK BUILT 'FOR ENTERTAINING' FITS EXACTLY ZERO CHAIRS, ONE FOOT
The builder reckons it's a vibe deck. The owner reckons it's a windowsill.
NEWMARKET APPRENTICE SPENDS SIX HOURS LOOKING FOR TARTAN PAINT AT THREE DIFFERENT BUNNINGS
The long weight is ongoing. So is the apprenticeship, technically.
TAKAPUNA RENO STRIPS BACK FOUR LAYERS OF WALLPAPER, FINDS 1987 STARING BACK
The hallway is now legally a crime scene against interior design.
MOSGIEL PERGOLA PASSES COUNCIL INSPECTION, FAILS BASIC LAWS OF GRAVITY
The consent's in a drawer. The pergola's in the neighbour's hedge.
SUMNER SPARKY'S TOOLBOX KNOCKED OFF FRIDAY — REPLACED BY SATURDAY VIA $4 SAUSAGES
The thieves got a Makita combo kit. The community got 380 onions through a Briscoes pan.