MIRAMAR UNDER-13 NETBALL SIDE PARADES TROPHY ENGRAVED '2019' FOR THREE WEEKS BEFORE ANYONE NOTICES
Engraver in Napier blames a long Friday. Coach blames the clubroom lighting. Mums blame each other.
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PORT CHALMERS DUCKLING INFLUENCER ISSUES TEARFUL APOLOGY FOR CROSSING ROAD WITHOUT 'DOING THE WORK'
Local mallard Brenda goes live from a George Street puddle to address 'the community' after a pedestrian crossing incident.
NELSON COUNCIL SCHEDULES MEETING TO DISCUSS SCHEDULING OF FUTURE MEETINGS
Ratepayers told the agenda for the agenda meeting will be circulated at a later agenda meeting.
ISLAND BAY NOTE-LEAVER ESCALATES TO LAMINATION, NEIGHBOURS DIVIDED ON WHETHER THAT'S WORSE THAN THE POO
Eleven notes in a fortnight. The dog remains at large.
JUDEA SKY DEFIES METSERVICE BY PRODUCING ONE EXTREMELY ANGRY CLOUD
Forecast said sunny. Cloud said otherwise. Cloud won.
MACANDREW BAY RETAINING WALL HELD UP BY NO. 8 WIRE AND "A REAL POSITIVE ATTITUDE", BUILDER CONFIRMS
It was a Tuesday morning in Macandrew Bay. The hill was about to become a suggestion.
KAIAPOI WOMAN RINGS COUNTDOWN ABOUT HAIL, BLAMES KARORI
Wendy thought a bag of peas had burst upstairs. She has no upstairs.
WINTON SPARKIES SEND APPRENTICE TO AUCKLAND FOR TARTAN PAINT, LONG WEIGHT — HE'S BEEN GONE SINCE TUESDAY
Lad flew out of Invercargill on a 6am Jetstar. Has rung four Mitre 10s and a Resene in Penrose. None of them are laughing.
TAURANGA SOUTH HUMIDITY DECLARED A HAZARD TO COIFFURE, COUNCIL TO RESPOND IN DUE COURSE
A resident's fringe was last seen heading toward the Mount under its own power.
WELLINGTON COUNCIL TO DEBATE WHETHER HOT CROSS BUNS NEED RESOURCE CONSENT
Three consultants engaged. Bun unavailable for comment.
MOUNT VICTORIA PTA TREASURER LAUNCHES FULL AUDIT OVER MISSING $3.50
The sausage sizzle float was short by the price of one sausage. The treasurer has cleared her Thursday.
WINTON UNDER-13 RUGBY HALTED BY PLANE, COW, AND ONE JANDAL
Three stoppages in twelve minutes. The cow's still out there.
WESTOWN BLOKE COOKED ON FIRST SUNNY TUESDAY, SHOULDERS NOW STOP-SIGN RED
Macca forgot the sun was a thing. The sun did not forget Macca.
ROYAL COMMISSION OF INQUIRY INTO WANAKA MAYORAL CAT FINDS IRREGULARITIES, ALSO A NICE GINGER BOY
After 14 months and $2.3 million in fees, the Commission has determined the cat is, on the balance of probabilities, a cat.
GREYMOUTH PETITION DEMANDS LEAF BLOWER CEASEFIRE BEFORE 10AM SUNDAYS — ORGANISER OWNS A LEAF BLOWER
It was a Sunday morning on the Coast. The hum began at 7.04am. By 7.06am, a petition had been drafted.
GUYS. I NEVER THOUGHT I'D HAVE TO MAKE THIS POST: MILSON PUMP RECEIPT NOW 2.4 METRES LONG
To my community, I am so sorry. The receipt is still printing.
BROMLEY WIDOW GETS THREE CONTRADICTORY RECYCLING LETTERS FROM SAME COUNCIL IN ONE WEEK
One says yellow bin Tuesday. One says fortnightly. The third wants the bin back.
SOUTH DUNEDIN PAK'NSAVE OUT OF BREAD BY 9.15AM OVER FROST WARNING OF MINUS ONE
The forecast said light frost. The shoppers heard apocalypse.
AUCKLAND OFFICE LOCKED IN THIRD-DAY STANDOFF OVER WHETHER 18 DEGREES IS A PUFFER DAY
A Christchurch correspondent looks on from four degrees and a nor'wester, weeping into a cold pie.
PARAPARAUMU UTE ARRIVES AT SCHOOL DROP-OFF FLYING SEVEN FLAGS, PARENTS REQUEST UN OBSERVERS
What we know: the Hilux has more flags than the Beehive. What we don't know: which country it represents.
ROTORUA SCHOOL APP SENDS 47 MUFTI DAY NOTIFICATIONS, PARENTS LEARN GOLD COIN COSTS $2
One dad turned his phone off at notification 31 and missed his actual job. Reckons the app owes him a day's wage.
HAWERA LIBRARY AMNESTY QUIETLY WIPES MAYOR'S $340 DVD TAB
South Taranaki's top brass walks free on three years of overdue Sopranos box sets while everyone else got a stern email.
KARORI MUM LOSES 14,000 CLUBCARD POINTS AT 11.47PM ON A SUNDAY
Mate at the pub reckons his old lady's ham budget just got vaporised. There's a spreadsheet involved.
RANGIORA WOMAN RINGS 111 ON COURIER FOR BEING "TOO NICE"
Suspect smiled, said please, and put the parcel on the dry side of the porch. Police attended.
OPUNAKE PERGOLA PASSES COUNCIL INSPECTION, FAILS FIRST DECENT SOUTHERLY
The consent says yes. The four-by-two says no. Gravity got the final word.
NGAIO WOMAN'S 'AUCKLAND BEACH DAY' LASTS ELEVEN MINUTES BEFORE SOUTHERLY ARRIVES
The towels were laid out. The chilly bin was open. The weather had other plans, as it does.
CROFTON DOWNS WHEELIE BIN LEFT OPEN OVERNIGHT, NEIGHBOUR FILES "FORMAL CONCERN"
The lid was up eight centimetres. The street WhatsApp has not recovered.
PAK'NSAVE AWAPUNI TRIALS QUEUE FOR THE QUEUE, BLOKES WITH ONE PIE NOW WAITING 25 MINUTES
Management calls it 'flow optimisation'. The bloke in front of me called it something else.
PYES PA RETIREE TRUSTS METSERVICE APP, GETS SOAKED BRINGING IN THE WASHING
The app said sunny. The cloud said otherwise. The sheets said nothing — they were already wet.
GUYS. I NEED TO ADDRESS THE 'SHREK 2' SITUATION
A Bishopdale ratepayer addresses his community after a Stoke library amnesty wiped a Mayor's overdue DVDs.